There used to be a joke thread..

But I can't be bollocksed finding it, so here's a new one. And soon to follow will be some jokes. Feel free to add any that you come across.



3 women in a pub start talking about their husbands. One says "I call mine the dentist; no one can drill me like he does". The 2nd women giggled; "I call mine a miner because he's got a big shaft". The 3rd women frowned; "I call mine the postman because he cums so early and half the time sticks it in the wrong box!"

I nicked a joint of beef from Asda today. The security guard shouted "Oi! What you doing with that?". I said "Roast potatoes and veg you nosey b*st*rd!"

Quote: The_Educatedwombat

why did the prawn leave the disco early?

Cos he pulled a mussle!

N.B. The mussel in question was the ex-girlfriend of a friend of his (who's name, for referemce, was Christian Slade) but this didn't trouble him, why?

Because he was shellfish.

Several years later, the prawn became an alcoholic, but found salvation in the local church. Looking back on his life, he regretted doing what he had with the mussel, whom he had long since lost contact with- but also to his friend. He went round apologising to all the people he had hurt, as in the 12 steps programme. When he apologised to his friend (now a doctor) Dr. Slade asked him what had brought on this change of attitude.

"Its simple" he replied, "I'm a prawn-again, Christian."

therein are the only three fish jokes I know.

How does he travel around the London underground?

Quote: farmer_jack

But I can't be bollocksed finding it, so here's a new one. And soon to follow will be some jokes. Feel free to add any that you come across.



3 women in a pub start talking about their husbands. One says "I call mine the dentist; no one can drill me like he does". The 2nd women giggled; "I call mine a miner because he's got a big shaft". The 3rd women frowned; "I call mine the postman because he cums so early and half the time sticks it in the wrong box!"

Alas, the first part of this bit is no longer applicable.

Did you hear about the comedian with ADD?
Want to go cycling next weekend?



Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotchman are out hiking when they suddenly fall down a mineshaft. The fall kills Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman instantly while Paddy Scotchman is trapped under some rocks and eventually starves to death.




Little Johnny is running to school as he is late, when suddenly he trips. A man comes over to help him. Johnny begins crying as he knows he's going to get into trouble for being late. The man says "When the teacher asks you why you are late, just say Willytop".

When Johnny walks in, the teacher begins giving out to him and asks why is he late. Johnny says "Willytop". The teacher screams and gives out to him even more and sends him to the principal.

The principal asks Johnny what he said to make the teacher so upset. Johnny says "Willytop". The principal flips out and expels Johnny and sends him home.

When Johnny gets home, his parents say "We just got a call from the principal. What did you say to him that made him expel you?". Johnny says "Willytop". Johnnys mother faints and his father throws some furniture around the room in a fit of rage and tells him to leave and never come back.

Johnny is walking down the road when it starts to rain, so he runs into a pub. He sits at the bar and begins to cry. The bartender asks whats wrong. Johnny says "Ever since this morning, everybody has been giving out to me because a man told me to say Willytop, but I don't even know what it means and why everyones so upset". The bartender says "Listen, I can help you. Meet me across the road in 15 minutes and I'll explain everything."

15 minutes later, Johnny is standing across the road when the bartender comes over. Before the bartender can speak, a drunk driver hits them both.

Quote: farmer_jack

And soon to follow will be some jokes.

I'm still waiting

I actually love that.

I was walking through the park and I saw a cute little boy flying a kite and I wondered what the best way to ruin his fun would be, so I pulled out a pair of scissors and [highlight]stabbed him in the eyes.[/highlight]